Thursday, January 5, 2012

A Heavy Heart...

You know what really sucks??? Knowing that the holiday season has come and gone, and your own mother spent it in the hospital. You know what sucks even more? That it is January 5th and said mother is STILL in the hospital. Not just any hospital but the THIRD one since she was admitted. To top it all off we STILL do not have any definitive answers as to how she is going to get better. She has pancreatitis and a dilated common bile duct. The cause of the dilated common bile duct is unknown. Finally after two weeks of talking about having a test ran, they are running it.
I have SO many emotions running through my mind...
I am SCARED. Scared that they are going to tell my mother that she has cancer.
Scared that my mother is never going to be the same.
Scared that it could be months before she can return home...
Tired of trying to coordinate somebody to watch my children so that I can go to the hospital.
Tired of endless phone calls to inform the same people that we STILL have no new news...
Tired of waiting... and waiting.... and waiting... with no answers.
Tired of the guilt of not being able to be with my mother more.
Im beginning to feel like I have reached my breaking point. Im usually a pretty strong person. I can hold it all together, absorb it all and roll with the punches...
BUT, I have never been tested this hard before.
I have never had my OWN mother in the hosptial for two weeks, unable to eat or drink anything or not know what is wrong with her...
I have never had to balance two young children and multiple trips to a hospital all while trying to maintain our already normally busy lives...
I just want lfe to return to "normal". Even if "normal" means my Mama comes to live with us for awhile.
Soon. Real soon!

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Do You Ever Wonder...

where the time has gone? I mean really, where has it gone? I remember New Years Eve 1999 like it was yesterday. I was babysitting, sitting on the couch watching the ball drop wondering if the world was really going to end or not. Im not one to get sucked into the hype of things, so I didnt really believe it would, but at the same time, I thought, heck that might just be the easy way out. I was a freshman in college, and for the first time in my life, I was having to work to earn something... my first semester wasnt a good one, and I thought if the world ended then there would be no failures for me in the future. Sadly, the world didn't end and I was forced to go back to my second semester of college.
Twelve years later I look back and think of everything that has happened since then. So many things. Often I think there is NO way that I am really OLD enough to live the life I live. How can it be that in:
2000/2001: I would spend the year in my hometown as a college drop-out working three jobs and quic
2002: I was fortunate enough to "really" meet the man that I would later marry...odldly enough when I met him and started dating, I thought there was no way in hell I would marry him...boy was I wrong.
2005: I finally graduated college with a degree in Social Work. I moved in with Ryan in his new home and we planned our wedding.
2006: I married Ryan. After struggling with switching my last name, I finally decided I would agree to be a Miller, not a Bercaw-Miller
2007: November, we found out that we were expecting our first baby.
2008: Our first little miracle, Eleanor Lee was born  on 8/8/08 via a completely natural, un-induced, drug free birth. She shared her birthday with her cousin, Zach, who had requested the entire time I was pregnant that he not share his birthday!
2009: We bought our first home together and moved to Overland Park from Lawrence. This move was a MUCH bigger adjustment than I could have ever imagined.
2010: We found out we were pregnant, yet again, with our second miracle, another GIRL, Reese Kathleen. On September 30th after several false alarms on labor with her, she was brought into this world via an induction and yet another pain-drug-free labor. I quickly learned that birthing a NINE pound baby was significantly harder than birthing a seven pound baby =0)
2011: We sent our first born to preschool, and celebrated our 2nd girls 1st birthday!!

And here we are at the beginning of 2012.
I am a mere 31 years old. Daily, I think to myself, that this life I live is just a dream. I always think there is NO WAY that it is possible that I AM old enough to be:
A mom to two LOVELY little ladies,
or that I am married and live in a beautiful home,
or that I am ABLE to stay at home with my two children, because my husband has been very successful,
or that we live in a BEAUTIFUL home, larger than any home I ever hoped to live in.

Thus far, life sure has been good. Hopefully 2012 will be yet another year filled with happiness... and maybe the realization that I AM indeed old enough to be all of these =0)