Friday, October 30, 2009

Honestly...

Lately I have been struggling with how things are going in my life. Don't get me wrong, I love it. Sometimes it is just a struggle. I think most of it correlates to moving and starting all over again, so considering this, I guess things are pretty darn good. As with every transition in my life, this move has brought me to consider my life the way it is now and evaluate the things that I feel need some refinement. To actually take the time to think about myself, the things that make me me, and to be honest. On a friends blog of mine she listed ten honest things about herself. Since I am one to hold a lot of things in and not let my real feelings out, I thought it wouldnt hurt for me to do the same. So here goes it:

1) I hate the fact that I am still fat. Yep thats what I said... FAT. I also hate the fact that although I should have control over it, and know how to have control over it. I DON"T. Me and my dear friends food and stress have too much of a connection right now.

2) I long for the day when I can be a stay at home mom, but then there are days like today where I worked from home with Nora in tote and I COULD NOT WAIT FOR NAPTIME! I try my best to not be resentful towards those who have this priviledge but honestly, sometimes its REALLY REALLY hard!

3) I have a real problem with control. I want to always have a plan, be the one making the plan, and be the one participating in leading the plan. I also want EVERYTHING done NOW. This causes quite the problems sometimes because I wear myself out AND not all those whom surround me have this same characteristic. Maybe someday I will learn to breathe =0)

4) I am having a hard time adjusting to this move. I miss my friends. I miss knowing that at any given time I could more than likely pick up the phone and have a friend to go with Little Miss N and I on a walk, to the park, etc. etc. These days we still do these things, we are just alone =0(

5) I really do love my job. I love the fact that after working with "younger" folks for five years I finally made my way back to the "old" men that I like. These men have given me a new outlook on my job. Sometimes I wish there were just more of a challenge than there is... an opportunity to excel or move up. Maybe then I would be a little more motivated to do more than just the status quo.

6) I LOVE LOVE LOVE my little girl. Even when she won't wear a hat on a freezing cold day, takes her shoes off EVERY.SINGLE.TIME we get in the car, throws her food, scales the outside of the staircase, won't nap, etc. I also am scared to have another little one for fear of taking what time I do have for her away from her. Hopefully someday this fear will subside considering we have room for at least two more =0)

7) After losing sleep, crying and being adament (sp?) that nobody that was not a family member would watch Nora on a regular basis, I have adjusted to the fact that we not only have a nanny but I love her and everything she does for Nora. Sometimes I think she does a better job than me and I know that the reason our house stays looking so nice is because of her!

8) I often struggle with how my childhood went. It was not bad compared to others, but it was not the best. I try now to avoid the chaos as much as I can and as a result suffer from a great amount of guilt. If I could change just one thing in my life, this would be it. Alcoholism truly does destroy families!

9) I have a REALLY hard time being affectionate towards others. This includes telling people I love them and/or appreciate them. Even those very close to me. I have not yet figured out the reason why yet, but maybe someday I will. Until then know that I truly do appreciate and love you... maybe someday I will be able to tell you this more frequently.

10) Last but not least... I have to jet... the little princess is awake, we have a party to go to and a costume to get on... Hopefully Daddy gets home soon so we wont be too late!! Imagine that, us late?!!? No way... which brings me to one last quick one... I honestly was NEVER late to things until I met Ryan AND started my job as a case manager. Both situations forced me to accept getting to places when I got there... not five minutes early without fail!

4 Comments:

Blogger Tara said...

Your child hood comment brought back so many good memories, but you are right, it does destroy things. But you are a great mom, a great person, and a great friend. Oh ok, now I'm crying. love ya!

October 30, 2009 at 4:21 PM  
Blogger crazyfordaisies said...

Thanks, Tara! I cant begin to list all the memories we made together! I can however remember standing in my living room EVERY Friday night just waiting for your bedroom light to come on wondering if you were going to be there that weekend or not and then being either sooo happy or so dissapointed when I went to bed that night! Oh if we could just go back to those days =0)

October 30, 2009 at 7:07 PM  
Blogger Kari said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

October 30, 2009 at 7:46 PM  
Blogger Kari said...

((Hugs!!!)) You are an AMAZING mom and overall genuinely, nice person. You are always helping others. I'm so lucky to be able to call you my friend. I miss seeing you and Nora. :o( You can always call me to take a walk with You and Miss N. It might just take a little longer to get there. :o)
Even if your childhood wasn't all sunshine and roses (mine sure wasn't) we can only focus on what we can do now. We can strive to be a better mother, wife, friend, daughter, everything. We can't, however, change the past.
You're a damn good person, and anyone who thinks differently is clinically insane!!!

October 30, 2009 at 9:47 PM  

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