Friday, August 10, 2012

Never say Never... A lesson in Life

I have always been the type of person who lives life knowing that anything can happen to anybody at anytime. That is just how life is. I've known this, but lately to have to live this reality in so many ways has just plain sucked.
Take for instance the fact that 1) My mother (my lifelong best friend) has a terminal cancer that can be treated, but never cured 2) My Dad's years of being an alcoholic have started to affect his well being to the point that he too has been hospitalized multiple times over the past few months, and as we approach my Mom's transplant this coming Wednesday, it is likely that my Dad will be in the hospital... not that he had planned on being with her anyway. Afterall, you can't drink beer in the hospital. The staff there kind of frown upon that. 3) My own child, Reese, has been diagnosed with a learning disability (childhood apraxia - ie: she physically is unable to coordinate the movements in her mouth to produce speech)
To say I have reached my breaking point might be an understatement. This whole being strong thing kinda sucks. Those of you who know me well, know that I don't break down easy. I like to think that my attitude is a direct result of my childhood (That lifelong best friend of mine sure did a good job providing a good example of what a strong woman looks like). The reality is though, that strong or not, this Mama can only take so much!
Facing the harsh reality that I may very well lose both of my parents before I reach the age of thirty five is scary. I think about all the things in life that havent been done yet. I think of the things I want my kids to do before my Mama is gone. I think about the babies I haven't had yet, and how I want them to meet their Grandma before she enters Heaven. I think about how life just isn't fair. How it's possible for one lady who has worked so hard in her life to achieve everything she has while dealing with an unsupportive, alcoholic husband and raise three pretty darn succesful kids can become so sick so close to the time of life when she can finally sit back and enjoy all that she has worked so hard for.
While all these thoughts about my parents are going through my head, daily, almost every moment of my life I face the reality that my child CANNOT talk. I find it so ironic given that I worked in the field of disabled children and adults that God would give me a child with a disability. A child who from the beginning of her life has changed me as a mother. A child who forced me to slow down, love her, and hold her non-stop. A child who because of her own strong-willed defiant behavior ultimately forced me to become a stay-at-home mom. This child, who grabbed my heart and made me love her despite her difference in personality vs. my parenting style knew all along what she was doing. She was preparing me to love her unconditionally, EVEN with a disability. And guess what? I do! I love that booger with all my heart. I love her despite her flaws, despite the fact that we get wierd looks when she gets excited and makes "wierd" noises in public places. Despite the fact that we have to spend hours each and everyday doing "therapy" in hopes that she will someday be able to communicate. Despite the fact that she IS different. Despite the fact that since this diagnosis our life has not been the same.
All these things really do suck. But life just has a way of being that way, and although I know I have no control over the events in this thing called life, I can chose to either face it head on, or wallow in my sorrows. So, today, I am choosing to rely on my tried and true motto of life -"I can do ALL things through Christ who strenghtens me" and push on. Maybe if I am lucky enough 1: there will be a CURE for the cancer my mother has 2: My dad will realize the importance of the life he has and change his ways 3) Reese will indeed overcome her disability and begin speaking!  One can always HOPE, right? I sure hope so, because I would love to see the day when my Mother asks my daughter if she wants to play the quiet game =0)


Blogger Tj and Chelse said...

Beth, this is all written so beautifully but it all makes me so sad at the same time. Your positive outlook on life and these struggles will be what gets you through these rocky times. Hang in there. I will be praying for you.

August 13, 2012 at 8:41 AM  

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